Friends, these are dangerous times. Times of misery, torment and a constant feeling of oppression. I call it a nightmare age full of constant peril with little chance of escape. Others…call it Summer.
In times like these, the public needs a guide. Someone who can help them navigate through the hazy, hot and humid perils of this terrible terrible season.
Starting today I will be publishing a guide to help you know what to watch out for in the months ahead, and if you are sure to check back every Friday, you MIGHT even make it through alive.
I bring you…
Claymation Werewolf’s Hazards of Summer!
Pt. 1- The Sun.
As a Fair (pasty) skinned, freckled red-haired person (hatefully known as a ginger) I have always been very familiar with the brutal and unforgiving nature of the sun. Don’t believe me? Then why don’t you ask my plumber friend Mario?
The sun wants only one thing. To destroy you and everything you love. It cares nothing for your eyes, your skin or your healthy and vibrant yard full of green grass. The sun can turn what hours earlier had been your familiar and comfortable car into a raging inferno of 500 degrees (conservatively) Personally I get a painful sunburn if I am even aware that the sun has come up but even those not as vulnerable as a redhead will tell you that nobody is immune, nobody.
Tans are a myth perpetuated by Hawaiian Tropic and their Washington lobbyists. The sun can only burn you, leaving you nothing more than a red husk ready to dry up, peel and float away on the hot summer air while the day fills with the sounds of barefoot children’s feet sizzling on blacktop.
The Sun is a blinding, white hot ball of fury that should be avoided at all costs. My advice is to never let the sunlight touch your skin. If possible, just don’t go outside. Ever.
Those of a goth nature are especially at risk and should have white make-up and thick black parasols available at all times.
From June to September just stay in your homes where you’re safe. Nothing good can come from going out in the daylight. Stay inside preferably with the lights out, preferably with the lights out and no windows open!
Watch TV, play video games and read comics like normal people. Besides, staying in will allow you to more easily receive these updates that just might save your lives.
Until next time, remember…. Summer can’t last forever!