Hazards of Summer Week #2: Shark Week

They are a nightmare. A mindless eating machine. They cannot be stopped. They cannot be reasoned with. They only think  about satisfying their unshakable desire and they don’t care who or what you are. You don’t even register on their radar. no. I’m not talking about teenagers, I’m talking about….SHARKS.

Recommended Listening:

I don’t need to go into the history of sharks. You all know their impact on this planet we live on. We all know the background of these monsters of the depth. They’ve had an impact on
just about everything.

From fashion:

great-white-shark-shoes-custom-converse-chuck-taylors-freakersneaks     To
Home Decor:


The Culinary Arts:


To War:

Shark Face Jet Fighter plane

Even Television!

However, the only thing I’m interested in discussing today is their impact on human flesh. Sharks eat people. They eat all of the people. They try to pretend like they thought that paddling surfer looked like a seal from underneath…it didn’t. It looked like yet another person they wanted to viciously devour. There are some of you out there that I don’t want to be eaten by sharks. And I hope that some of these tips might help you to avoid that fate. I doubt it but hey, it’s worth a shot. The truth is, the odds aren’t good for you out there. I’m not going to lie and say that you aren’t going to be eaten…you are. The earth is over 71% Water. Water is over 93% Sharks. It’s just simple mathematics. If you can see or even sense water the odds are you’re about to be killed by a shark.

There are a few things that can help at least extend your non-eaten-by-sharks existence.
First, some things you may not have thought of.

Stay away from Eternia. There is a Land Shark

Stay away from bars. Land Shark:


Don’t open the door to your 1970’s apartment. LAND SHARK. (are you noticing a pattern?)

Also, on a side note, at least don’t open your door to someone saying “CandyGram!” That’s not a thing anymore!   Believe it or not, dry land isn’t the only place that you’re definitely going to be eaten by a shark.

Sharks command the air


And sharks command the sea.


If you wander into a bad part of town, you’ll be beaten up and THEN eaten by those sharks!


Even an amusement park isn’t a safe place to avoid sharks…


Oh, wait. I just checked and apparently you actually ARE safe from that particular shark now. Sadly. But that’s just one shark and there are something around 2 kazzilion other ones just waiting to devour you with their massive jaws.

This is an ACTUAL me with an ACTUAL Shark Jaw! (replica!!).

For comparisons sake I should let you know that I weigh 700 pounds. Think about that. THINK ABOUT IT!! 25893_1322213467785_4366452_n

I think that Quint said it best:


Though the explanation provided by Ideal Toys wasn’t to shabby either:

Jaws game

So, to recap.
Don’t open your door, don’t fly, don’t swim and don’t walk around on mean streets or in amusement parks or anywhere else. Sharks are everywhere and you don’t have Shark Repellent because Batman has the only Shark Repellent and he’s a selfish, horrible person.
Besides, the only thing that really repels sharks is the absence of humans. That will come soon enough though…that will come soon enough…

Take care and remember… Summer Can’t Last Forever!

For those of you who are of a fragile nature please enjoy this wonderful piece of pasta-ful nostalgia!

For those of you who are sick sick freaks, scroll down for an image of
an Actual Shark Attack (please don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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 Seriously, this is pretty rough…  

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. davenappy says:

    ANOTHER great article! I nearly fell out of my chair laughing!

    1. ClaymationWerewolf says:

      Wow! Thank you very much my friend! I’m having a lot of fun writing these “public service” articles! lol

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