As a barely tolerated member of the blogging community, I have become fairly notable. and with that notoriety comes certain expectations. I have to be well versed in all areas of geekdom and (at least pretend to) like a large majority of geeky things. Unfortunately friends, within my very own family tree. My very own mother hates space.
She never watches any movie that’s story line even remotely looks like it’s going to leave the earth. She has read books that have surprise alien reveals at the end and it makes her furious! She will proudly tell you, with no sense of irony, that the only Star Trek movie she has ever watched (or wanted to) was “the one where they go to earth”
She’s talking about Star Trek IV guys! STAR TREK IV!!!
I’m sure you can see the kind of pain I’ve suffered trying to deal with this truth and as much of a weight I feel has been lifted off my chest by revealing this to you there is something else I feel like I should admit. When a property decides to throw it’s trusted format out the window and re-brand themselves as “In Space!!“…I hate it too.
The thing that always jumps to mind when I think about properties going to space is the X-Men.
I loved the X books as a kid (even the Rob Liefeld ones) and I would love going to my local shop to pick up the next issue. Then all of a sudden a new story line would start and everyone would be in space fighting the Shi’ar or some other intergalactic character I cared nothing about. I always immediately disconnected from the story and quit picking them up until they got back on earth and started fighting evil mutants again like they were supposed to.
The only thing that lost me more than an X-Men space story line, was an X-Men time travel story line. In fact, unless a comic book is actually based in space just stay on Earth alright? I don’t care if you suddenly pick up an alien symbiote…or the Phoenix Force.
or get left there to die.
Or you’re just trying to get rid of a small problem…
I suppose I’ll allow Superman to go as far as the moon to hang out at his fortress of solitude thing. But Batman? You can’t go to the moon!
Starting in the 70’s the offices of Hanna Barbara must have been having some of those problems with earth’s gravity that Doc Brown warned us about because EVERYBODY started drifting off into space Josie and the Pussycats became Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space!! Proving once and for all that there can be an Archie Comics title that doesn’t entertain me at least a little.
Gilligan’s Island got animated and became Gilligan’s planet. Yes planet. I’ve never even seen this show and it’s already given me a headache. You know what?
I honestly don’t care what idiotic plot they used as an explanation for how they got off the island and onto a planet in outer space where, judging by the pictures, they can eat and drink and breath and everything just fine. I don’t care, I’m not even going to look it up. It’s bad and the cartoon world is worse for it having been dreamed up.
Finally, and in my opinion, worst of all The characters of the Yogiverse took there Wacky Races to the Outer Limits in Yogi’s Space Race. (…and later Galaxy Goof-Ups)
I imagine the “creative” people at Hanna Barbara thought that what Yogi and the gang really needed was the worst writing ever along with a bunch of new characters that are actively offensive in their sheer unlikeability. On the off chance that there are a few Debbie Downers out there who think that, that already describes Yogi and the gang go watch this rocket ship flying crap and then go watch some classic Quickdraw McGraw cartoons and you’ll have a whole new respect for them.
In one of the biggest blunders to ever befall the Muppets (besides being sold to Disney in the first place) was Muppets in Space... the straw that finally broke the fandom’s back!
I mean sure, the Muppets were entertaining in it but they’re the Muppets! They would be entertaining in a tile cleaner commercial. That doesn’t mean I want to watch them star in one for an hour and a half. And giving Gonzo the Great a “secret alien origin…” Give me a break!
He’s a weirdo. JUST a weirdo you don’t always have to classify everything Hollywood! At any rate the only space Muppets I’m interested in seeing are these…
Yeah, okay and maybe these guys too.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. So you get your two bits and you head out for a night with your best girl at the picture show. You’re all geared up to see the latest Indiana Jones picture! You clutch your popcorn in your and and put your arm around the swell dame next to you and the picture starts rolling! ….Little did you know the makers of the movie had a big surprise that would irrevocably ruin the entire film and night for you.
no…the other one.
Yes that’s right aliens. Indiana Jones and aliens! I’ll tell you this right now cats and kittens, after that picture, your night is done. No dancing at the hop. No stopping to share a malted at the soda shop. You were done.
Other films have followed the same misguided interstellar path. This twisted sci-fi nonsense has even worked it’s way into the world of horror. The awesome slasher franchise Friday the 13th fell on it’s own machete with the release of Jason X. A plot line involving bringing a cryogenic-ally frozen Jason back to life and then when he’s destroyed, we have Jason rebuilt by nanobots into some sort of futuristic, bionic Super Jason! I’m honestly surprised the Crystal Lake killer didn’t just drop his solar powered, titanium alloy hockey mask on the ground and go home.
Even a franchise that has no visible way to get worse can sink lower just by reaching for the stars. You guessed it, I’m talking about Leprachaun…In Space!!!
While this is probably just a sign that the folks at Leprechaun industries didn’t care anymore, it’s still a good example of how space can be there as a setting when you’re ready for your film franchise to circle the drain.
Friends. I’ve saved the worst for last. The space swerve to end all space swerves. The intergalactic story line so bad that hardcore fans of the property basically ignore not only it but everything that came after it. I give you Angry Birds in Space!
Bazinga! just another of my clever tricks. But, I suppose I’ve put off talking about it for as long as I can. I’m talking about the Highlander sequels.
I LOVED the first Highlander movie when I saw it back in the day…and still, while it obviously doesn’t hold up to the ravages of time, its still a great watch. And a fun mythology…as long as you only base your understanding of the Highlander Mythology on that one first movie (and maybe the TV series as well.) I remember sitting down to watch the sequel. Connor McLeod is old, having gotten mortality with the quickening at the end of Highlander that’s fine. However then Ramirez shows up. Alive again. for no reason. Then before you can say “there can be only one” we’re on the planet Zeist.
…you know, the alien planet where all the Highlanders are from! Where McLeod and Ramirez used to live before they were exiled back in the day to earth to seek out “the prize” Remember? No? That’s because it didn’t happen!
The “Highlanders” were a race of immortals living among humans…no explanation especially not some stupid, contrived space explanation! And it was better that way. It’s always better that way…please Hollywood for the love of all things creative stop suddenly setting things in space. I vow that even in the future if I am somehow LIVING IN SPACE I wont want to see this kind of crap. It’s almost enough to make me think that my mom was right all along. Space…it’s dumb. Who needs it?