I never owned a lot of toy cars as a kid. Sure I had A decent amount of Matchbox rides but I never invested much time into collecting vehicles. Cars or for that matter, GI Joes or baseball cards would have taken far too much time away from my other interests… Things like collecting and playing with my awesome Masters of the Universe toys! watching JEM and the Holograms, or She-Ra or He-man, Collecting Popples toys and playing soccer instead of football. All these things brought me an incredible amount of fulfillment and got that wonderful look (a combination of worry and sadness) from my parents, a look I had come to appreciate so much.
While I may not have been a big “car fan” or the “son they wanted” Occasionally, from time to time a car would come around that was so awesome it even sparked my interest. One of these toys was “The Animal”
In 1984 (wasn’t everything?) as a result of a fortuitous albeit very short sighted decision on the part of research scientists at Galoob, a prototype was created for a toy truck that could be TRULY All Terrain. The design was such an immediate hit with Galoob executives that they made the decision to begin mass production and an aggressive advertising campaign before any test marketing was done on the toy. In fact, the commercial that I presented earlier, was in fact the very first “road test” The Animal ever had.
The commercial went great! The toy rolled over mountains, a raging river, dirt! Nothing could slow it down. And while our eyes were treated to this visual feast our ears were given a treat of their own. A drum pounding adrenaline rushing theme! As the beat seemed to drive the truck forward, the world’s manliest vocalists sang. The Animal! The Animal! Can anything stop, The Animal!!
The problem, and the answer, came when it was time for the commercial to end and the crew realized to their horror that they COULDN’T stop The Animal. There were no means to shut the machine off and anything (or anyone) placed in it’s path was crushed by it’s massive tires or torn to shreds by it’s mighty claws. Attempts at trying to remove it’s 4 D batteries (not included) only made The Animal angry and soon thousands of dollars in video production equipment had been destroyed and a grip had been killed. On a brighter note, it wasn’t the KEY grip, so it was fine. Days and weeks past with every attempt to end or slow down The Animals trail of destruction, ending in horrible failure. Nothing could stop The Animal! The local police couldn’t stop the animal. The National Guard couldn’t stop The Animal. Not even strict rules with harsh financial penalties levied by the United States department of transportation expressly forbidding the operation of miniature mutant machine/animal hybrid vehicles, beyond the limit of federally approved sandboxes could stop The Animal.
If that weren’t bad enough, several hundred additional, Animals had already rolled off the assembly line and continued to roll on their own unstoppable journeys. It was eventually decided By President Reagan, Gregory Galoob and Geoffrey the Giraffe that the best option was to stop trying to stop The Animal. While no further action has been taken to curb The Animals never ending thirst to keep moving forward, a worldwide monitoring system has helped to keep Animal-related deaths at least relatively low. As an added bonus, The Animal’s journeys across the ocean floors have allowed scientist to learn some very interesting things about the creatures who live at those incredible depths. For instance: they can’t stop The Animal.
Some people, after hearing the origins of The Animal might find the story somewhat sad. What with the loss of human life and technology crushing the human spirit and everything but I find it inspiring. I’ve tried to live every day of my life in the spirit of that single-minded unstoppable toy truck. At every point in my life, when it looks like I might have a setback, I reach deep down inside and I become The Animal! I mean it. I get a look in my eyes that sends the true fear into the hearts of those that would oppose me and a song begins. The song starts in my head, a steady beat but then it begins to play out loud (I like to accompany myself with a soundtrack in a variey of situations. Even the bedroom. Ladies.) I begin quietly bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum” but slowly I get louder and louder. BUMBUM BUM BUM! CAN ANYTHING STOP…THE ANIMAL!!!!!! While I sing my special Animal Theme I slip on my Animal Gloves!
And then I climb over anything that gets in my way!
Turned down for a promotion?
I simply slip on my Animal Gloves, sing my theme and climb! Straight over my bosses desk and then my boss, knocking papers, his computer and pictures of his family to the floor. “BUMBUM BUM BUM!”
McDonald’s no loner serving breakfast?
Uh oh, you little snot nosed teenager! You didn’t know that southern chicken biscuit was for the animal did you? Over the counter I go! “BUMBUM BUM BUM CAN ANYTHING STOP…THE ANIMAL!!!”
The Library all out of copies of Mocking Jay? Liars! “BUMBUM BUM BUM BUMBUM BUM BUM!”
The Wife leaves me? “BUMBUM BUM BUM” (This is done all alone in an empty house. The theme is a little more tearful than usual….but still pretty intimidating!)
Sometimes I wonder if me being a human Animal is enough. Oh, it’s not that it isn’t cool, it’s obviously cool I mean I have Animal Claw gloves! Did you see those things!? It’s just that there could be more. If I could track down the exact location of the original The Animal and climb astride it we would be unstoppable..er! We would form a Voltron-like SUPER ANIMAL that could prevent itself from being stopped by stuff before the obstacles even existed! Besides everybody’s gotta have a dream.
What? You think that dream is stupid? Oh dear. You shouldn’t have said that…
“BUMBUM BUM BUM BUMBUM BUM BUM BUMBUM BUM BUM….”
Claymation Werewolf has an evil plan to bring about a Nostalgia Revolution for a time when cartoons were actually good. You can find more of his posts about toys, cartoons, puppets and horror on his blog at http://claymationwerewolf.blogspot.com.