Please note: This is not an post about Carlton Banks, Lamar from Revenge of the Nerds, Braxton P. Hartnabrig nor the black dude from Walker, Texas Ranger. This is definitely about cookies.
I used to like Oreo cookies, really I did! I mean, since childhood, the fun part of the day was getting a few out of the box, pouring a tall glass of milk (whole cow milk, 100% fat! This was back in the early 80’s when men were men, kids were kids and lactose was still tolerated). Two chocolate cookies building a sandwich around a creamy white middle… oh the fun we all had with our different ways to eat them! You could dip them whole in milk, you could pull the sandwich apart and lick the creme off of each side, you could eat half, dip the other half in milk, etc. etc.
But then something happened… and this may sound odd coming from a 30-something who blogs and podcasts about childhood things…. but one day I grew up and realized that Oreo cookies… not that good! I’ll admit recently my stance was influenced a huge deal by one of my favorite podcasters and comedians, Adam Carolla. Around the time of Nabisco celebrating 100 years of the Oreo cookie, Carolla went on one of his epic rants about how “shitty Oreo cookies are”. At first, I was shocked– how could one of America’s longtime favorite snacks be reasonably besmirched in such a fashion? But I listened. and thought about it. and ate a few Oreos.
Yeah, not so good. The “chocolate” cookies were bland, actually left a bitter aftertaste. Most of the damage they did was leaving dark pockets in your teeth, which I’m sure look like cavity gold mines to your local dentist. The “creme” filling in the middle? Not that special. Sure, it’s tasty, but it literally carries the cookie! Don’t believe me? Try an Oreo cookie without the creme middle, I dare you!! You’ll wretch!
I took to twitter, my social network of choice, to proclaim how overrated Oreo cookies are– and was lambasted with a barrage of denials, pleas and in some cases insults, from Oreo apologists. But Classick, Oreo cookies taste great with milk! They go great with ice cream! Oreo Double Stuff is the bomb, son! Crazy Talk!
To all that I say FEH!!! All your arguments about Oreo being great with milk and ice cream, you can make that for ANY cookies in existence. Hell, I’ll bet Ritz Crackers go good with a nice bowl of ice cream on the right day!
With all that said, here are ten cookies I’d rather eat over Oreo’s. I’ll understand if we’re not friends after this…
- Nutter Butter peanut butter cookies – Man…listen. If you’re havin’ peanut allergies, I feel bad for you, son! Nutter Butter wasn’t an instant favorite of mine, but as far as sandwich cookies go, they keep it real. Peanut butter flavored cookies and creme filling! The cookies come in a peanut shape! Great with milk? You betcha! So what else can you ask for? Oh, they don’t have a catchy jingle? Who cares, son!
Nutter, Nutter, muthaf$%in Butter! (there’s your jingle!)
- Chips Ahoy! …. ANY Chips Ahoy! I ran this list by my co-host Eclectik and his first response (aside from “you’re crazy!”) was “you can’t have chocolate chip cookies on the list and then discount Oreo Double Stuffs! I say to that YES YOU CAN! Oreo claims to be a chocolate sandwich cookie, but that chocolate they use must come from some fake cocoa tree on the homogenized cornstarch islands. If I want chocolate in my cookies, make ’em chocolate chips! Hence why Chips Ahoy! must be on this list. It’s the daddy of ’em all. Regular, Chewy, Chunky, whatever, I’d take them over Oreos any day of the week! Also made by Nabisco.
- Nilla Wafers – Look, you want cookies that go great in milk? The best part, dare I say the ONLY good part of the Overrat… I mean Oreo… cookies are the creme center, which is vanilla flavored. Look no further than Nabisco’s Nilla wafers, which go great with milk, ice cream, soda, ginger beer, Schlitz malt liquor bull… You name it, Nilla wafers got it!
- Keebler Fudge Stripes – Also taking this spot is the less known but equally as tasty E.L.Fudge Keeblers. Fudge Stripes are the pinstriped business suit of cookies. Bitches can’t say no to Keebler Fudge Stripes, and if they do, they’ll regret it! (No idea what that analogy means, just go with it).
- Girl Scout Cookies (take your pick!) – Thin Mints, Samoas, Tag-a-longs,Do Si Dos… Why are you settling for wack booty Oreos when you can stock up on boxes of these glorious confections at least once or twice a year? Sure, you gotta fill out that form and get rolled on by your co-worker who’s being pimped out by his or her daughter for that merit badge, but isn’t it worth it? Buy some extra boxes, and make sure you put one in the break room for me…
- Famous Amos – Dude turned famous for a reason. Respect!
- Mrs. Field’s/Otis Spunkmeyer/Cookie House cookies – The supermarket is easy access, hence why sales of Oreos are always near the top of the cookie charts, but if you frequent any shopping mall or have these spots in your vicinity, you are always in for a treat hittin up Mrs. Fields (no relation to vintage television foxes Chip, Kim or Alexis), Otis Spunkmeyer, or Brooklyn’s very own Cookie House/House of Pretzels. I grew up loving Cookie House cookies out of Brooklyn’s Kings Plaza Mall– that was the highlight of any mall trip in the 80’s, a delicious way to cap off back-to-school shopping, the pursuit of G.I. Joe or Transformers toys or standing in a long-ass line waiting to watch the debut of the O.G. Tim Burton “Batman” movie (June 23, 1989). If you’re ever in Brooklyn, the Cookie House is still there to this day– check it out and get me a couple of chocolate chip and oatmeal raisin!
- Pepperidge Farm Milanos – No kid would ever have this on their list, but we’re all adults now and yes, these are the cookies that your mama told you you couldn’t have. These were the “grown folks” cookies. You remember the commercial on TV with the old codger yelling out “PEPPERIDGE FARM REMEMBERS” while laughing silently that he was probably suffering from some form of Alzheimer’s or dementia and had to yell out “LINE!” at every one of the 300 takes it probably took to film the ad…. but I digress! Milano is some fancy ass cookie! And I’d rather eat 3 of these than 5, 7, or even 10 of them busted ass Oreos. See that in the center? That’s real chocolate! Pepperidge Farm… never forget, suckas!
- Soft Batch – Shout-out to my co-host (and junk food advisor) Eclectik, who reminded me that this list would not hold any credibility (wait, I doubt it does anyway) without Keebler Soft Batch in the mix. Chewy,soft, gooey, delicious! I don’t know what them elves do in them trees, but I’d rather have some Keebler elves on my side than them crazy ass bow-and-arrow pretty muthaf$%ka elves from Lord of the Rings anyday! (What’s that, Legolas? You can’t work an oven? Get the f$&k outta the fellowship, then! You’re just Hawkeye with pointy ears, hippie!) Soft Batch, Chewy Chips Ahoy! and my next selection could be considered interchangeable, but they would rock the jaw of Oreo and Double-Stuff Oreo in any alley fight.
- Entenmann’s Chocolate Chip – If you’ve ever grew up, lived or even visited Brooklyn, one spot that you might have been to on an occasion is the Entenmann’s Bakery, which is pretty much the HQ of all the cakes, donuts, and cookies they concoct. I tell you, that place is like Shangri-La for sweet tooths, man! But you need not rep BK to tha fullest to enjoy Entenmann’s cookies, just hit up your local supermarket. Entenmann’s products usually have their own display in the bakery aisle, so you won’t find these with all the low-brow peasant cookies such as you Oreos, Hydrox and whoever makes them knock-off sandwich cookies with the lemon creme filling (how dare they?). Their “Original Recipe” chocolate chip cookies are excellent! There’s a soft, chewy variety as well, which is normally what I buy by default, but you crunchy heads can diversity your cookie portfolio with these. A bit pricier than the average cookies, but if you catch a sale, it’s aaaaallll worth it! You’ll run out of milk in a day!
- BONUS!!! Grandma’s Oatmeal Raisin
She don’t look like my grandma, but she does put her foot in these cookies.
Honorable mentions/left off: Soft baked cookies at McDonald’s, Subway. Oatmeal Creme Pies (I was told these are not cookies, but I insist they are both cookie, cake, pie and should be its own food group!). Pecan sandies (not everyone likes pecan or shortbread, I suppose). Keebler Vienna Fingers (thanks to Shareef Jackson).
Agree? Disagree? Did I miss any selections? Please drop your two cents in the comments below, or shoot us an e-mail at coldslitherpodcast@gmail.com!
The CSPN 
Number 11. Oreos WITHOUT the frosting.
I can’t rock with your #1 because I hate peanut butter. However your other choices are legit. I like the original Oreo but I agree that they’re just okay in the land of cookiedom. I usually reach for golden kind now that they make them.
I probably would have put Pepperidge Farm’s Gingerman and Chessman cookies on a list of my own.
Except for the Nutter Butters and the Nilla Wafers, I’m in agreement. The fact that those two are that high on the list is raises suspicion. I’m watching you, sir.
Can’t roll with Nutter Butters since I have an allergy. But I must say that Oreos are better than regular Chips Ahoy, but NOT better than Chewy Chips Ahoy.
Also I’d like to throw Vienna Fingers in there.
Vienna Fingers are nice! How’d we miss those? Thanks Shareef!
Soft Batch >>>>>>
I know I’m coming to this list late (I just received a link to it on twitter), but you have to put those Christie’s Pirate Oatmeal Peanut Butter Cookies on the list. I can’t buy them too much because they’re addictive. And I have no idea why they’re called Pirate cookies.
better late than never, nicky! Oatmeal peanut butter cookies sound divine! Maybe they’re pirate cookies because you have to walk the plank after eating them? Anyway, thanks for commenting!
don’t know how I got here – oh yeah I was googling my podcast and somehow this came up – not a terrible list – just wrong – I think a better way of looking at this is what tastes the best soaked in milk – easily Oreos – chips ahoy are close and most of these are darn good cookies, but none actually beat oreos – and nilla wafers??? nah dude
fudge stripes and soft batch are the only ones even close to oreos in my opinion. they don’t come close to double stuf though! doubles are the bomb!
The only chips ahoy better than an oreo is the original chips ahoy. The rest have a chemically taste. The other ones I agree with are the nutter butter, grandma’s, and milano. You are missing some even more amazing cookies on your list… Voortman’s wafers, Walker’s shortbread, and Kashi oatmeal dark chocolate.